


The One Who Calms The Storm

by spicydanhowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Dan Howell, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 02:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11118099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicydanhowell/pseuds/spicydanhowell
Summary: Dan is suffering from anxiety and OCD, and he needs Phil’s help to cope with his intrusive thoughts.





	The One Who Calms The Storm

**Chapter One // On Edge**

(Tuesday)

Dan took another gulp of the coconut flavored rum. It was Phil’s, and he didn’t drink frequently, but he deserved it today. Finally, Dan was able to relax after feeling so… not right for the entire afternoon. He had had the compulsive urge to scratch his arms until he bled, which was anxiety provoking in itself. He was diagnosed with generalized anxiety; he knew it was much more than that, but didn’t push it. Calmer now, he shuffled into the hall and called for Phil so they could film his new AmazingPhil video. The few sips of rum had calmed him down fast, which was good because he didn’t want Phil to see him a mess just before filming a funny video.

The filming went smoothly, and took only twenty minutes. Despite his best efforts, though, Dan was very obviously distracted, which concerned Phil.

“Bear… Are you doing all right?” he asked worriedly, placing his hand between Dan’s shoulder blades, as they cleaned up.

“Ye.” Dan responded absentmindedly, continuing to roll up the wires of the lights.

“Dan, stop a minute.” Phil said more firmly. Dan stopped, and looked at Phil.

“Yeah?”

“You’ve been reclusive lately, and you’re always in your head… Have you been depressed? I just worry-”

“It’s okay Phil. I’m just stressed lately, and you know how it is.” Dan assured, despite knowing how unhealthily introspective he’d become.

“I know.” Phil sighed. “Are you taking your meds?”

“I am.”

“Every day?”

“Yeah.”

“Good… ” Phil mumbled, still looking concernedly into Dan’s eyes. “I love you, sweetheart. I just want you to be okay.” he expressed, hugging Dan firmly.

“I’ve been on edge…” Dan admitted.

“I know.” Phil replied, more concerned than he let on. Dan had been spending hours pacing up and down in his room, door locked, and his hair looked thin from stress. He knew Dan suffered some anxiety, but his behavior lately was peculiar, and worrying, and Dan was being so private about it all. “Come here.” he persuaded easily, taking Dan into his arms. His body was warm and soft to hold. Phil squeezed tighter and rested his face on Dan’s shoulder. Dan gave a little chuckle, and traced circles on Phil’s back.

* * *

Once he thought about doing it, he couldn’t stop himself. Dan’s nails were bitten short, but still he managed to pluck the curly hairs from his head with the regularity of a machine, dropping each one onto the sofa as he went. Next he plucked at his eyebrows, which were lightly penciled in to hide the previous damage. The right one was halfway gone, so he knew he needed to be careful. He needed to stop; he was losing so much hair, but his fingers wouldn’t stop plucking. Desperate to stop, Dan resorted to scratching. Every tiny bump, mole, or spot on his body needed to be scratched off, and they were. Dan’s arms and legs were badly mutilated, scabbed, and scarred, but it never hurt physically when he scratched. He grew more and more anxious as he went, finding more and more imperfections to pick, but could not stop for anything: not even Phil, who was bolting across the lounge and taking both of Dan’s hands in his own.

“Danny, hey, it’s okay, you can stop.” Dan’s hands shook, and his breathing was jagged. “Here, do this with me.” Phil offered, making two fists, and alternating between clenching them tightly, and releasing every other second. Dan followed Phil’s lead, and then moved on to curling and uncurling his fingers.

“Oh, Philly, I’m bleeding.” Dan realized, noticing the tiny red pools where there used to be bumps on his arms.

“Come on then.” Phil coaxed, helping Dan off the sofa. “It’s not so bad. Let’s clean up.”

Dan looked in the bathroom mirror and saw his eyebrow pencil was smudged from the plucking, and he had broken the skin. He cleaned it up, and left it to dry at its leisure. After rinsing the two wounds to his arm, Dan covered them with small, waterproof bandages. He rolled his sleeves up farther and looked with scrutiny at the tiny white scars, and dark scabs scattered over his arms, and pulled down his jeans to see the same sight on his legs. God.

“I’m worried about this, bear.” Phil interrupted. Dan’s head whipped around, as he had forgotten Phil was there, sitting on the edge of the tub. “I know you don’t want to hurt yourself, so why does this happen?” he asked with sadness in his eyes.

“I… I don’t mean for it to.” Dan mumbled, staring into the mirror. “I lose control of my hands… And my thoughts.” Dan examined his scalp, finding a tiny bald patch above his left ear.

“Do you _want_ to try therapy, baby?’ Phil suggested softly.

“It’s not for me… I’ll talk to my doctor, if you want me to.” Dan mumbled awkwardly. He hated to feel emotionally vulnerable like this, and preferred to talk lightly about this kind of thing, but Phil had every right to want to talk seriously…

“Good, I’m glad.” Phil breathed. “Now, pull up those jeans, _boy_.” He joked in an aggressive tone.

Dan smiled weakly back, and pulled his pants back up to his waist. “Scold me, dad.” he chuckled, pulling Phil up from his perch, and planting a light kiss on his lips. “I love you.”

 

**Chapter Two // Monster**

(Wednesday)

“Philly!” Dan called from the doorway. “I’m home!”

“In here!” replied a muffled voice from the lounge. “How’d it go?” Phil asked as Dan shuffled in and curled up next to him on the sofa.

“She said I should see a psychiatrist, that I may have OCD. She wrote me a new prescription.” Dan said simply, leaning his head on Phil’s shoulder. “Doubled my dosage.” he extrapolated.

“You feel all right?” Phil inquired.

“Yeah, nothing I didn’t expect, so…” he trailed off. He adjusted two pillows so they weren’t touching, a feeling of unease rising in his chest. Little things bothered Dan. He hadn’t always been this way, but more and more lately little things, such as positions of objects, or something stuck to someone’s clothes, made him feel a bit sick. He breathed deeply.

“Hey, it’s all right.” Phil said brightly, rubbing Dan’s shoulder. “Shut your eyes.” Dan obeyed, and was pulled upright as Phil massaged his back firmly. “You’re always tense, bear.” he observed.

Dan moaned tiredly with relief, and turned around to embrace his partner. “I love you so much, Philly… Let’s have pizza.”

Phil giggled. “Why not?”

* * *

Phil yawned lazily as Dan lie next to him on the sofa, stroking the hairs on his slim, paper white chest and stomach. His eyes were half open and watching his own fingers move. Phil wrapped an arm over Dan’s waist, and ran his fingers up and down, feeling the muscles in his arms and upper back, and the soft tissue at his waist. Dan mumbled, and rolled into a spooning position, letting Phil’s hand graze his stomach, which was soft and full from dinner. _Adorable_. He kissed the top of Dan’ head.

“Does this pizza make me look fat?” Dan mumbled, with a smile.

Phil chuckled lightly and pulled Dan closer. “No, I just like touching you.” he whispered, grinning from ear to ear.

By the bluish light of the TV, Dan could not have looked more beautiful. His hair was pitch black with bright highlights, and the round, pale scars on his arms and shoulders shone like stars. Half a pizza, a beer, and midnight snuggles on the sofa were all it took to release Dan’s tension that night. They didn’t say it aloud, but they both knew these evenings were few and far between, and they wanted to enjoy it as much as they could. As Dan fell peacefully asleep, Phil carried him gently off to bed.

* * *

(Thursday Morning)

It was nice while it lasted. Dan had been sitting in bed for 45 minutes, alternating between staring at the wall, and trying to distract himself on the internet. He couldn’t slow down his mind; he kept jumping from one thought to another, all while simply trying to decide what to have for breakfast. Phil was already in the kitchen making coffee, but Dan was paralyzed by his thoughts, unable to join him. _This is ridiculous_.

Phil padded softly over to the bedroom door. “Dan? Come on, it’s already eleven, you gotta help me edit.” He opened the door, and sat down on the bed next to Dan. Phil was wearing only boxer shorts, but Dan had dressed himself in a long sleeve shirt and flannel pants, even though it was a humid, sunny day. “Come on, take this off.” Phil tugged at Dan’s sleeve as beads of sweat rolled down his hairline.

“Stop. I don’t want to.” Dan breathed, pulling away. Phil was hurt. He felt so disconnected from his partner when this happened. He knew Dan didn’t mean to get cold like this, but it made him feel badly.

“Okay, come have breakfast soon…” Phil replied, defeated, as he stood up and walked out, wandering back to the kitchen to make his toast and pour his coffee.

 _What do I feel like eating? Am I even hungry? What is Phil having? What if I just stopped eating? I could just wait ‘til later_ … Dan wrung his hands and, cross legged, rocked back and forth. It was just breakfast. _This is ridiculous._  He took his medication, and went back to sleep.

* * *

Blood everywhere. Dan slashed both of his forearms horizontally from elbows to wrists with a switchblade, and blood cascaded to the floor. The wounds stung and ached as he shouted at Phil “I can’t take it anymore!” his long straight hair in his eyes and matted.He slapped Phil in the face and strangled him.

“Dan stop!” Phil cried. With the straining of his muscles, the blood gushed faster from his arms. “Please Dan!” Phil strained against Dan’s grasp. “Wake up, Dan!” Dan bolted upright screaming, sweat pouring down his hairline, and tears welling up in his eyes. He looked down at his shaking hands which he had just seen strangling his boyfriend to death, and then up at Phil. “What did you dream, bear?” Phil lied down, and snuggled up next to Dan to hold him, but Dan slid away.

“I…” Dan choked and burst into tears. “I _killed_ you!” he sobbed uncontrollably, unable to feel his body. Phil held Dan tightly, rubbing his back and running his fingers through his hair as Dan cried into his chest.

“It’s only a dream, baby bear.” Phil whispered, as Dan shook. “I love you. You’re okay.” Dan allowed Phil to remove his long sleeve tee now, and even in the repulsive humidity, they huddled together for a long time, until Dan fell back to sleep, exhausted. It was nearing one in the afternoon now, Dan hadn’t left bed, and he was having terrible nightmares. _Did he really dream of killing me?_ Phil stayed by Dan’s side to keep an eye on him, and only woke him at three to work on merchandise prototypes.

Dan was nervous and quiet as they worked, wringing his hands and scratching his head. He tried to maintain some normalcy, but he couldn’t get the thought of strangling Phil out of his head. It was the last thing in the world Dan wanted to do, so why was he so horrifically compelled to?

“Dan?” Phil asked again, putting a hand on his partner’s. Dan hadn’t heard him.

“Ye?” Dan asked, flinching at the touch.

“Do you like this photo for the website?” Phil inquired, turning his laptop and looking into Dan’s eyes.

“Ah, yeah.”

“You’re scared aren’t you.”

“Mm-hm”

“Did you hear me?” Phil cocked his head.

“I did. I’m scared.” Dan replied flatly.

“You’re not crazy, baby.” Phil assured, putting an arm around Dan. “Intrusive thoughts are scary, but _you_ aren’t bad.

“I know how it works, Phil.” Dan mumbled, resting his forehead on the heels of his hands. He didn’t know how to let go of thoughts like this, and he’d never had one so intense as the one he had this morning.

“Online they said you should acknowledge and accept. I looked it up whilst you were sleeping.”

“Accept?” Dan questioned, raising his pitch. “I can’t accept that I was dreaming about hurting you and myself!”

“Bear, you didn’t decide to dream that. I know you don’t want to hurt anyone, and you know that too.” He paused, and leaned his head on Dan’s shoulder. “Let’s try to distract you okay?”

“I… Okay…” Dan agreed quietly.

“Good.” Phil responded, kissing Dan’s freckled cheek. “Just help me pick which photos you want to use, and then we’ll relax.”

 

**Chapter Three // The Light In Your Life**

Dan beat Phil at Mario Kart five out of seven rounds, and Phil wasn’t even letting him win.

“You’re letting me win.” Dan accused playfully.

“I’m not! I’m just having a bad day.” Phil defended, continuing to try his best.

“Really bad day.” Dan teased. “I know you’re letting me win, and it’s fine.”

“I’m not!” Phil exploded in disbelief, but with a smile, still not letting him win, but losing badly. He stuck his tongue out slightly, and launched his blue shell at Dan, who was in first place. “Ha, look, now you’re not gonna make it.” Dan dodged the blue shell and sped through the finish line in one motion. “What!?” Phil exploded again, biting his joystick.

“Thanks for letting me win, Phil, but it’s not really necessar- ” Dan taunted, cut off when Phil fell on top of him, pinning him down to the floor and tickling his neck, making him scream. The tickling turned into wrestling, and then into teasing kisses and love bites. Phil’s mouth pulling Dan’s neck and collarbone aggressively, leaving bright red spots at the surface. Dan laughed and moaned as he licked and sucked Phil’s ear, and gripped his hair. Dan gave their silent signal to go no farther, and Phil nodded, placing gentle pecks behind Dan’s ears, before pushing himself up to look into his deep brown eyes.

“I love you, Dan, and I trust you.” Phil said softly. “I know you suffer, but I’ll do anything I can to be the light in your life. Dan pulled Phil back down by his shirt collar and kissed him square on the lips.

“Phil Lester, you already are.” They boosted themselves back onto the sofa and lied together, bodies intertwined, until Phil felt a pang of hunger. Dan heard it loud and clear, and gave Phil a look: a smile with furrowed eyebrows. “Dinner?”

Phil laughed, “I thought you’d never ask.”

* * *

Dan paced up and down in the kitchen whilst Phil was getting out ingredients for their salad. Anxiety was building up in his stomach again as he watched Phil place things directly next to each other. He quickly moved the tomato three centimeters away from the salad dressing, and straightened the knife in relation to the edge of the counter top. Dan was breathing heavily and wringing his hands again, but Phil just looked at him and smiled.

“Go in the other room and pull up netflix. I’ll bring the food in.” Phil offered. Dan knew this was just to quell his anxiety, but he nodded and went to the lounge to pace. By the time Dan had finished arranging the items on the coffee table, Phil was shuffling in in slippers and carrying two salad bowls. He had his glasses on as well as his emoji pajama pants. _Precious_. “Sprite?” he asked, setting down the bowls.

“Sparkling water, I think.” Dan mumbled, still smiling from the sight of Phil, but itchy at the sight of the arrangement on the coffee table. Phil cocked his head and observed Dan a minute, before disappearing into the kitchen to retrieve their drinks. Dan quickly arranged the bowls on the table to a more satisfying position, scratched his head, and plucked his hairs. The areas above either ear were thinning.

“Oh Dan,” Phil comforted, setting the glasses down in a way he thought Dan might be okay with. “Come on and stop now.” he said softly, taking Dan’s wrists. “Look in my eyes.” Their eyes locked as they took deep breaths together.

“Maybe let’s turn the lights down?” Dan suggested. “It’s just… too much.”

“Yeah,” Phil nodded, turning out the lights, and flicking on the TV. “This seems much more calming.” They curled up onto the sofa and ate, never really deciding what to watch, just flipping through news channels and leaning on one another, enjoying the gentle, evening, summer breeze from the open window.

“Phil?” Dan began, breaking the silence.

“Mmf?” Phil replied, mouth full.

“The dream bothered me a lot. It made me feel like a monster, like I’m evil, even though I didn’t really hurt you. I feel guilty.”

Phil chewed, and thought about what to say. “I know. I know it’s hard to accept stuff like this.” Phil comforted in his deep, sleepy voice. “But… _I_ can accept it. _I_ trust you… You’re not evil. You’ve got like… A tornado spinning in your head, and it’s okay.” He paused, unsure how to tie it all together. “So if you ever have thoughts like that, tell me, or write them down, or something. You can share them with me so you don’t feel alone, and I’ll help you to accept them for yourself. Okay?”

“Thank you.” Dan smiled, a tear rolling down his cheek. Phil saw the light from the TV reflect off the single tear, and he kissed it away. “Thank you Philly.” He buried his face into Phil’s chest, knocking his empty bowl to the floor, and held him tight until the newscaster’s voice became a blur, and his heavy eyelids gave out, and he slept.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr! spicydanhowell.tumblr.com


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